The Ends of Being
by cxrmacmclaggen
Summary: "Nah, she didn't." The story of Lily Evans, and how one James Potter happened to come into it. Canon-compliant.
1. Year One

_"She hated him."_

 _"Nah, she didn't."_

* * *

Year One

Lily leaps onto the Hogwarts Express, one hand gripping tightly onto her trunk, one hand wiping furiously at the remaining tears on her face. Behind her, her family stands on the platform. Petunia is looking at her, her face pinched with anger mixed with guilt, but Lily doesn't look back. She is eleven. She is brash, intelligent, and beautiful. She has never heard the word "mudblood" before.

The train ride is an utter disaster. She settles in an empty carriage, and two boys quickly slip in after her. They both have dark-hair, but that is where the resemblance ends. One of them has a certain presence to him, a surety, a knowledge of the world and where he fits into it. His clothes are neatly ironed and clearly expensive. His cheeks are chubby and youthful, but she can see the planes of his face where roundness will become leanness, the impenetrable eyes, the curve of his lip as he smiles at her. He is young, surely her age, but he is already beautiful.

The other is—different. Where the other boy is dark, this boy is all light. His hair is a mess, and his clothes are, although probably equally as expensive, rumpled as if he had slept in them. Behind his glasses peer playful hazel eyes which turn up at the corners when he says hello to her.

They have potential as new friends, she realizes, but she's still turning through her last argument with Petunia in her head, so she gives them a barely-there smile and turns to the window. They seem to get the hint, and with little disappointment continue chattering with each other.

Not more than five minutes later, she hears the squeak of the door being pulled open, and she turns to see Sev. He makes his way over to sit opposite of her and she sees his eyes carefully catalogue the swollen eyes and tear tracks on her cheeks. He gives her a little unsure smile.

"I don't want to talk to you." She winces a little at how it comes out, tight and emotional. She sees one of the two boys turn almost instinctively towards her, and then immediately restrict his movement. She knows they are listening.

Severus immediately recoils a little. "Why not?"

Lily swallows a little, feeling all the emotions rise to the surface again. She pushes away the echoes of their argument— _you freak_ —as she tries to answer. "Tuney h—hates me. Because we saw that letter from Dumbledore." She hiccups a little.

"So what?" he says, bewildered.

She looks at him, affronted. "So she's my sister!" Petuniais—she is _everything_ to Lily. Her—their—parents were kind. Loving. But slightly distant, as if having Lily and Petunia was their social duty to the world, and after they were self-functioning, well, that was it. They never wanted for anything. But there was a certain _aspect_ of their relationship that was lacking, a hole that Lily wasn't even sure what to call, that Lily found in Petunia. Lily detachedly notices that she's crying again, and peeks out of the corner of her eye. The two boys are still not looking at her, but they're also not talking. She discretely tries to wipe her eyes.

Severus, never to be put off, leans forward, his eyes shining. "But we're _going_ ," he says. "This is it! We're off to Hogwarts!"

Petunia's eyes, full of hate, nags at the corner of her mind. But she can't help the half-smile that spreads at the excitement in his voice. She knows that Severus's family wasn't exactly loving, and she feels a little guilt at finding her own lacking. He had talked of nothing but Hogwarts all summer, of finding a home, and friends, and _magic_. She knows how much this means to him.

"You'd better be in Slytherin," he says encouragingly, and she stifles another smile. The only other word he'd said more than Hogwarts this summer was Slytherin.

"Slytherin?" one of the boys asks, speaking for the first time since Severus entered the compartment. The light one, she catalogues vaguely. He turns to the other boy with a smirk on his face, and he leans back in his chair indolently. "Who wants to be in Slytherin? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

The other boy doesn't smile. In fact, he looks a little gloomy as he admits, "My whole family has been in Slytherin." Severus perks up a little, and eyes the boy with interest, but neither of them notice.

"Blimey, and I thought you seemed alright!" the boy says, which finally brings a smile on the other boy's face.

"Maybe I'll break tradition. Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?" Lily distantly notices that she has been leaning in slightly, and so is Sirius. The boys have caught their attention.

The boy lifts an invisible sword, preening. "Gryffindor, where the brave dwell at heart! Like my dad."

Severus meets Lily's eyes and scoffs. The boy immediately turns on him, his eyes narrowing. "Got a problem with that?"

"No." Severus smiles meanly, and Lily knows he is gearing up for a battle. "If you'd rather be brawny than brainy—"

"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" the second boy cuts him off, and the first guffaws. Lily straightens herself and glares at them.

"Come on, Severus, let's find another compartment," she says as she takes his arm. She thinks she hears a little bit of her mother in her voice.

They grab their bags and start to push outside the compartment. She can hear their faint voices, mimicking hers, as they leave, and the furrow between her brows deepens. Ten minutes in and she has already alienated two of her class. She hopes that the rest of her interactions don't go this badly. Then, a parting remark: "See ya, Snivellus!"

The rest of the ride passes in relative silence; they find another compartment with some girls who pay them no mind. Lily watches the landscape go by in silence. When they reach the lake, she is awed by the candles and the boats that ride the waves, well, _magically_. And not even her wildest fantasies could have created the Great Hall, the floating candles, the laughing chatter of people, the glittering ceiling. Her eyes rove over the constellations, and she faintly hears Petunia's voice—Ursa major, Sagittarius, Cassiopeia. The rest of the kids don't even look up. She wonders how they can be used to this, how they can let this kind of magic fade. She wonders if she'll let it fade.

They line up, and name by name is finally called until she's up there and the hat droops over her, covering her eyes. She can _feel_ the presence of the hat, on the edge of her mind, and she shudders for a moment, to feel another consciousness pressed up against hers. She can feel it smile, for a second, before it bellows: "GRYFFINDOR!"

Lily freezes. For a moment, she wants to say, "Wait! You didn't say _Gryffindor_ , did you," but the woman pulls the hat off her head and pushes her gently back down the stairs. She heads to the children draped in red and gold, cheering and whooping for her, and briefly makes eye contact with Severus. He looks destroyed.

She makes her way over to an empty part of the bench, and the boy to her right moves to make room for her. She glances at him, and recognizes the boy from the train, the darker one, and vaguely remembers that his name was " _Black, Sirius_." He smiles at her, a little weakly, not as brave without his friend. She turns away.

The rest of the children are called. Severus goes to Slytherin, and Lily smiles sadly. The other boy from the train—" _Potter, James_ "—joins them, as well as a handful of other girls and boys. A boy sits next to her and gives her a shy smile; she introduces herself and finds that his name is Remus. He has sandy hair, freckles, and a delicate nose. Something about him is distinctly beaten-puppy-like, like he's always waiting for the other hand to come down. But there's something else—a light in his eyes, a yearning. She decides she really likes him.

The food floats down, and she and Remus chat lightly over dinner. He asks her about a bit of magic and, on hearing that she's Muggleborn, excitedly informs her that he's a half-blood but was raised as a Muggle. They spend the entire dinner talking about just the ceiling of the Great Hall, and she finds she's surprised by how fast time has passed when dinner ends.

The prefects stand, and the first-years, along with herself, file obediently down the halls. Lily is awed not only by the magic, but also by the grandeur of the place. It feels positively sparking with energy. The prefect reminds them that the password is "Dragon Scale," and then they head inside.

There's a fire crackling already, and huge, overstuffed, red chairs. Everything in the common room is red and gold and dark brown, and there are Quidditch banners decorating the walls. In the center are a couple book bags strewn around, and there are older kids, fourth or fifth years, maybe, circled around the fireplace and catching up. The place is cozy and warm, and it almost feels like home. For the first time, Lily feels _good_ about being in Gryffindor. Like she could belong here.

The girls begin dividing up into rooms, and, slightly unsure, Lily peeks into one of the rooms. Three girls are inside, laughing, and Lily's about to move on before she makes eye contact with one of the girls. The girl smiles invitingly. "Come in," she says cheerily, and angles her head towards one of the beds. "There's room for one more."

Lily dumps her stuff on the designated bed, and then sits down and joins their small circle. She finds out that their names are Mary MacDonald, Marlene McKinnon, and Alice Macmillan. Marlene is the brashest of them, all hair flips and secret smiles and dark knowledge. Alice is pretty and poised in a neatly pressed dress, the epitome of grace, but she gives a half-smile and makes a slightly-snarky comment about Dumbledore, and Lily decides she likes her. And Mary is all kindness with a soft smile and kind eyes for everybody. Lily settles in as they all talk about which classes they're excited for, and she feels a little smile cross her face.

* * *

Classes start, and Lily begins to get in a bit of a routine. A few weeks in, she notes that James and Sirius have brought two more into their fold—and one of them is Remus. The fourth is a earnest-looking boy with strawberry blonde hair. His name is Peter Pettigrew, and he seems nice, even if he is a bit of a pushover. They are loud— _obnoxious_ , she thinks privately, but doesn't share, as Mary, Marlene, and Alice seem to not share her opinions—and eyes follow them no matter where they go. Marlene in particular has her eye on Sirius, Alice on James, and Mary on Remus. At one point, Alice had turned on Lily gleefully and said, "There's four of them, and four of us! Lily, if Peter—" and Lily had ran out of the room screaming. And thus all attempts to pair her with Peter ceased, thankfully.

One breakfast she plops down next to Remus, and he gives her a small smile as he butters his toast. "Morning, Lily," he greets her.

"'Lo, Remus," she says distractedly as she begins piling her plate with toast, eggs, bacon, and sausages.

Sirius, still looking a bit bleary next to Remus, eyes her. "No 'good morning' for me, Evans? I'm devastated," he says, clutching his heart.

Lily finishes spreading jam on her toast and then looks up at Sirius. "Sod off, Black," she says, smiling pleasantly at him. Although they had gotten off to a rocky start in the train, he is Remus's best friend, so Lily grudgingly dealt with his presence in the beginning, but she has begun to like him. He's _harmless_ , she realizes. She likes his flirtation because she knows it means nothing, knows that he would like to go on a date with her about as much as he'd like to go on a date with Professor McGonagall, which, despite his vehement protests, is probably not very much. James, though—she scowls a little at the thought—had proven himself to be just as arrogant, if not more, as he was on the train. He was vain and obnoxious and probably truly believed that he was God's gift to women. The only thing she hated more than his constant hair-mussing was the fact that he was competing with her for best marks in their classes despite _not putting in any effort at all_. It was just _unfair_ how he excelled in everything he did without even trying—

"You'll fall for me one day, Evans," he says, interrupting her train of thought. She turns a little red and Sirius's smirk gets even deeper. Lily inwardly rolls her eyes. _As if._ "But, because my dear, dear Pomona is expecting me, I will reluctantly leave our flirtation to be picked up at another time."

"That's Professor Sprout to you, Mr. Black," Sprout says as she passes by, not even batting an eyelash at Sirius's antics. Although only two months in, most of the professors—but not the girls yet—have gotten used to his over-the-top flirtation.

Sirius sighs dreamily as Sprout walks away. "Well, duty calls. Remus, Evans, I'll see you later."

Lily shares an amused glance with Remus, and he shrugs and stuffs the rest of his toast into his mouth. "Transfiguration?" he asks, his words a little bit garbled.

"Disgusting," she says, shaking her head. "Let's go."

* * *

Although Lily likes all three of the girls, Alice is the girl that she connects the most with. She doesn't provide the same intellectually stimulating conversation that Remus does, but she's witty, observant, and, as a Macmillan, extremely knowledgeable about Wizarding culture. She also is very curious about Muggle culture. Lily ends up striking a deal with her: she'll teach Alice about Muggle culture if Alice will teach her about Wizarding culture.

They spend days poring over books, learning about pureblood dating rules: "Do you really need an _escort_ if you go out with another boy? That's, like, a throwback to the Victorian ages," Lily exclaims one day.

Alice makes an unsuccessful attempt to stifle her smile. "I dunno, that's just the way it is. We don't have to really worry about it now, at Hogwarts, 'cause it's expected that we're all hanging out together. But if it was summer, and I was at Florean's with, God forbid, Avery, then there would be talk. People would think that there was an understanding between us."

Lily shakes her head, and flips the page disgustedly. On the next page are diagrams showing acceptable lengths of skirts and heights of heels. "Ugh," Lily groans, pushing it away. Her head hurts just from the intricacy of it all. "Let's just look at magazines."

"Okay," Alice says a little too eagerly, and pulls out the newest Vogue issue. "That's fine with me."

They spend a few minutes silently flipping through the pages. "Alice," Lily ventures after a few minutes. Alice nods, her eyes still fixed on the page. "What's the whole deal with pureblood dating? Like, do you have to date another pureblood?"

Alice frowns and turns, giving all her attention to Lily. "What do you mean?"

"Well, like, you like James, right?" she asks. Alice nods. "Well, what would that mean in terms of marriage?"

Alice laughs. "I'm not going to _marry_ James," she says.

Lily flushes. "He's just an example."

Alice nods, her eyes growing serious. "Well, our parents would have to meet first. And, well, Potter's not Sacred Twenty-Eight, but his mum was a Black, so I guess that'd be alright. And if they find him acceptable...and if his parents find _me_ acceptable...well, then, it'd be encouraged, but it's still kind of up to us. So we'd probably meet each other, with chaperones, like maybe my family would go to his house or something. And then maybe we'd date, and if it got serious, we'd exchange gifts—cuff links for him, a necklace for me, probably—and then get married after we graduate. That's like the general timeline, anyway."

Lily bites her lip. She's almost afraid to ask the question. "And purebloods...have to date other purebloods?"

Alice hesitates. She's been _trained_ , she knows how to read a room, how to pick up on hints and undertones and how to subtly weave through a conversation to make it go her way. She knows that she's treading around landmines here. "Well," she says slowly, biting her lip. "Not always. Some parents are more traditional than others, and only will consider purebloods. But, I mean, halfbloods wouldn't exist if there wasn't marriage between purebloods and Muggleborns or Muggles, so..."

"Yeah," Lily says, forcing a smile, because what she hears is more _you'll never be good enough for anyone's son_ , and, well. It's been two months at Hogwarts, and while everyone in Gryffindor had been immediately accepting and welcoming, the people in Slytherin were another story. Severus—who has almost ceased being Sev in her mind—has taken to a couple of the other boys in his year. She doesn't know their names, but they have that same kind of presence that Sirius had on the carriage, that she now knows goes hand-in-hand with blood purity and aristocracy. They walk through the halls as if they own them, and based on how untouchable they seem, they might really own them. One of them has taken to hissing Mudblood at her back when she passes them, and if she had expected Severus to defend her, well, that expectation had died long ago. They study together, sometimes, in the dark corners of the library that nobody frequents, and she knows it is because he can't—doesn't want to be—associated with her. Sometimes she feels slightly resentful, but she pushes it down. This is _Severus_. This is the boy that introduced her to magic. She understands Slytherin is different, that the politics are different, and this is what he has to do to survive.

Besides her conflicting relationship, it has taught her things. She has learned that she is lesser, somehow, because she doesn't come from magic. Her magic is new, spontaneous, and it is _unnatural_. She feels sometimes like a monkey in a cage being applauded for performing tricks; the professors don't expect anything from her and so she throws herself in her studies, excels in Transfiguration and Charms, and makes Slughorn absolutely _adore_ her. She knows the professors expect her to be lesser, and so she becomes greater. And she sees the surprise in their eyes, and is proud.

But still—the resentment. It's there.

* * *

Christmas nears, and the Gryffindor common room becomes chaotic, and Lily sits back to watch the mess unfold. She feels the sofa dip, and she turns to see Remus settling himself next to her. "Going home for Yule?"

She shakes her head, and wraps her arms around her knees. "Nah," she says tightly. "I think I'm gonna stick around, actually. You?"

He eyes her, clearly picking up on something wrong, but doesn't mention it. "I'm going home. Think my mum might actually kill me if I decided to stay." He nudges her knee with his. "You gonna be alright here alone?"

"No need to fear," Sirius says, dropping on the other side of her. He wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulling her in as he grandly announces, "I will stay with you, Lily, despite the magnificent homecoming I would receive from my family, because I love you and I would never leave you out to dry, unlike this berk over here."

Remus and Lily roll their eyes in conjunction. "Great," Lily grumbles. "I might just head home after all."

"You're so feisty, and that's why I love you," Sirius says, bopping her on the nose. "So cute. Like a tiger. But—oi, James!"

James ambles over slowly. "'Lo, Remus, Sirius. Evans. What're you up to, collected like this?"

Lily turns to look at him, her face full of dislike. "I'm going to head up to my room. I'll see you before you leave, Remus."

As she heads up the stairs, she faintly hears James's bewildered voice as he says, "Did I say something wrong?"

And a smile crosses her voice as she hears Sirius's earnest one in return: "Nah, mate, think it was your ugly mug. Nothing you can really do about that, so—not the face, not the face!"

* * *

Yule comes and passes. She receives a book of poems from Remus, and she spends most of the holiday poring over that. From Sirius she gets candy. Mary sends her a scarf she had knitted herself, and from Marlene she receives a Wizarding telescope. Alice sends her a book on pureblood customs. Her parents send her some biscuits. And total radio silence from Petunia.

She sits with Sirius until she can't take it anymore, and then splits her time between her room and the library. She decides Sirius is alright; he's got his flaws, for sure, but he's definitely not all arrogance and good looks. There's a side to him that isn't all fun and games, and Lily—well, Lily finds herself interested in getting to know him for once.

The common room is too quiet, though, with none of the bustle and happiness from before, and even though she and Sirius are becoming friends, she's still quite relieved when the students return from break.

* * *

The rest of the school year passes by quite quickly. Lily finishes her classes with perfect marks, but so does James and, strangely, Sirius. A few other students in their year do as well—a boy from Slytherin named Octavian Greengrass and two girls from Ravenclaw, Bridget Boot and Allison Bones. Lily idly reminds herself to seek them out next year. They could make for good study partners. She had tried studying with Sirius once. He had left with still-smoking holes in his collar and ink stains all over his trousers and a determined resolution to never study with Lily again, despite her multiple apologies.

Before she even knows it, she's on the train again, but this time heading home. She and Alice had immediately grabbed an empty carriage while Marlene and Mary stopped to talk to some Hufflepuff boys they knew. Lily is about to sit down as Remus pops his head in. "Room for more?" he says, and Lily gives him a smile that dims as he pulls in Sirius, Peter, and James.

"Make yourself at home," Alice says lazily. She looks over at James, who is studying the ceiling of the compartment blankly. "Alright, Potter?"

He looks at her, startled, and then relaxes, an easy smile pulling over his face. "Yeah, sorry, was caught up in my head a little there. Got any fun summer plans?"

She lifts her shoulder. "None that you're invited to, anyways," she says, grinning.

Lily tunes out the rest of the conversation as Sirius comes to sit opposite her. She turns her attention on him, but he only gives her a tight smile and looks out the window. Curiosity sparked, she leans forward a little bit. "Ready to go home?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," he says grimly. "I gotta make sure Reg hasn't gone completely off the deep end, anyway, being alone with my mum and dad for that long."

Lily bumps his knee sympathetically. "I'm not really...ready to leave yet, either."

Sirius looks at her curiously. "But you didn't go home for Yule, either."

"I know. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my family. I miss my mum and my dad. I'm just...I don't know. It's good here. I'm not sure I'm ready to return to reality." What she really isn't ready to return to is Petunia, but she doesn't mention that.

"Yeah," Sirius says gloomily. James and Alice continue to awkwardly flirt with each other, but the rest spend the train ride in silence.

When they reach the platform, Lily spies her mum and her dad in the crowd, and they envelop her in a huge hug. She really had missed them. It had been almost an entire year since she had seen them last. But still, her stomach churns a little when she realizes Petunia is missing. "Is Tuney at home?" she asks, her voice a lot more casual than she feels.

She sees the tightening in her mother's smile, and she understands. "No, she wasn't feeling well," her mum says, but Lily is perfectly capable of reading in between the lines. Petunia didn't want to be here.

That's fine. She'll just spend the summer with Severus. They have a lot of catching-up to do, anyways.

Her father wraps his arm around Lily's shoulders, and together they head back home.

* * *

The title is from Sonnet 43 by Elizabeth Browning, which I believe encapsulates James and Lily's relationship. This is my first undertaking of a (multi-chapter) fanfic in years, so any criticism is welcome. This will follow Lily through her seven years at Hogwarts, so I'm in it for the long haul. Each chapter will probably be successively longer than the last, in the spirit of all seven-years-at-Hogwarts fanfics. My intent is to follow canon (I don't consider Pottermore canon) exactly, so if you find any discrepancies I would be much obliged.

My tumblr is cxrmacmclaggen if you wanted to communicate. Private messaging me on Fanfiction works as well, though I am less active here.

Also, creds to Colubrina for her idea about pureblood gift traditions! It's from her story "The Green Girl," which I highly recommend—it was the first HP fanfic I ever read.

Sonnet 43  
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.  
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height  
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight  
For the ends of being and ideal grace.  
I love thee to the level of every day's  
Most quiet need, by sun and candle light.  
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.  
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.  
I love thee with the passion put to use  
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.  
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose.  
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,  
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,  
I shall but love thee better after death.


	2. Year Two

Year Two

Summer passes in a haze of magic and tension. Petunia and Lily have settled into a sort of armistice at their mother's insistence. The few words that pass between them usually consist of a cold "pass the butter, please," and not much else. Lily wonders if Petunia misses her as much as she misses Petunia. Last summer they were still pushing each other on swings and collapsing in giggles. This summer it feels like they don't even know each other anymore.

All Lily wants to do is to laugh and giggle with Petunia by the water again. She wants to ask Petunia how she's been, and she really does want to know how she's been. What she's been up to, if Fiona is still as much of a bully as she was before, if there are any new cute boys in school. She almost tries, once, at night when they're getting ready for bed, but before she can work up the bravery Petunia shuts the light off with a huff.

Out on the grassy hills, Severus kicks his lanky legs out so they're almost touching hers, but not quite. "I don't understand why you have to hang out with those berks," he complains.

Lily rolls her eyes. This has been a much-visited topic the entire summer. Although her budding friendships with Sirius and Remus have been a daily subject of conversation, his new friendships with Avery and Mulciber remain a closed topic. Severus had been tight-lipped about the inner workings of Slytherin politics. "If you knew them, you might like them, Sev," she suggests. She then thinks about it, and amends her statement. "You might like Remus, anyway. He's nice."

Severus rolls his eyes. "I don't value kindness," he says dismissively.

"I know," she says, a little bit sadly, but he doesn't seem to notice.

They spend the holiday poring through illicit books Severus had purloined from a locked drawer in his father's study, and although the magic is advanced beyond their years, they struggle through the text as best as they can. They aren't allowed to do magic yet, but they practice the wand movements and the pronunciations separately, and eagerly await until they can put the two together.

* * *

They arrive at Hogwarts, and honestly, Lily doesn't feel different at all from last year. She's two inches taller and her face has thinned out a little, but she feels that same naive awe all over again. She watches the first years troop in, full of awe and wonder, and she feels like she could be one of them. In fact, she looks more like the first-years, tipping her head back to gaze at the Great Hall's ceiling again, and Sirius says so, bumping her shoulder as they make their ways to the tables. "How was your summer?" Lily asks.

Sirius's eyes darken a little. "Fine," he says. He pauses for a moment, and then adds, "My brother's a first-year."

Lily can guess where his thoughts are going. "What house do you think he'll be in?"

"Slytherin," he says shortly, and that's the end of their conversation as he turns to draw James into a discussion of which Quidditch position they're going to try for this year. James proudly declares his intent on being Seeker, _of course_. Sirius wants to be a Beater. Lily tilts her head, considering him. She thought he had said last year that he was going to try for Chaser.

The new first-years are not of much interest to Lily, though she does notice the boys scoping out the fresh meat. Lily grimaces and catches up to Marlene to avoid hearing the rest of their conversation. Marlene ruminates about the weather, Quidditch, and her last interaction with Sirius, and Lily only has to add a few noncommittal "hm"s to keep the conversation going. It's comforting.

They settle into their beds, and Lily takes a deep breath. A new year. She wonders what this one will bring.

* * *

Marlene and Mary force her to go to Quidditch tryouts with them. _Athletes_ , Mary had said, a bit dreamily. Sirius and James are predictably showing off, which only gets more obnoxious when they notice the girls. James pretends not to have seen them and begins taking lazy loops around the stadium, occasionally performing a flip or a dive to the girls' appreciative gasps. Lily privately thinks that they spend too much time showing off and not enough time focusing, because they both are relegated to the reserve team. Still, though, their faces are bright with triumph as they join their adoring fans.

Sirius slings one arm across her and the other across Marlene. "Wear my jersey at the next game, Lily?" he offers. "You can be my good luck charm."

"That's if you get any playing time," she says amusedly. "Do I want to wear the jersey of a benchwarmer?"

The girls laugh and Sirius grins good-naturedly. "Your tongue cuts like a knife, Lily," he says. "If you're going to be that way, I guess Marlene can wear my jersey."

Marlene shoves his arm off of her immediately, smirking. "Not even in your wildest dreams."

"Fine!" Sirius says. "JAMES. You won't desert me, your brother, your best friend, your other half, in a time like this, will you?"

" _I'll_ wear it, Sirius," says a third-year girl in Slytherin robes who appears suddenly from behind them. Lily vaguely recognizes her as one of the Parkinson girls. She simpers as she lays her hand on his chest, curling her fingers slightly at the collar of his shirt. Sirius immediately turns all his attention to her, his eyes on maximum smolder level.

Marlene and Mary are rolling her eyes, but Lily doesn't think it's funny at all. Her stomach twists a little as she sees the girl lean closer until they're just breaths away.

No. Way. Was she _jealous_?

There was no way in hell she was feeling jealous over _Sirius Black_. Sirius, who can barely string a sentence together without a sexual innuendo, who purposely chops their flobberworms into different widths in Potions to get a rise out of her. Sirius, who, despite not doing so in her presence, she knows takes every opportunity to throw hexes and curses at Severus.

James's voice, low and quiet, startles her. "Alright, Evans?"

She barely controls her jump of surprise. In her state of confusion, she forgets to dislike James. "Yeah, no, sorry, I'm fine," she murmurs. "Just had a weird thought."

She meets his eyes, and he looks at her steadily. She is the one that looks away first.

* * *

Now that she knows that she might maybe possess a _tiny_ amount of feelings for Sirius, life gets weird.

A lot of things stay the same. Peter is...Peter. Kind, timid, and in the background, as always. Remus has been ill for the past few days and out of the picture. Lily makes a note to herself to write him a get-well card soon. Severus—well, Lily would never even _dream_ of telling him about her revelation—has become furtive as of late, whispering in halls and boarding himself up in his room. She doesn't ask what he's up to, and he doesn't tell her. It's strange that she can now go days without speaking to him and it feels normal.

Sirius is the same as always, teasing and smiling, and he doesn't seem to notice that she's not reciprocating anymore.

And James. She looks up often now, in the common room, or the Great Hall, or the library, to see his eyes almost _studying_ her, in a way. Like she's a puzzle that he can't quite figure out. It makes her nervous. Still, though, when his eyes flick away, she does feel a pang of disappointment.

She's been spending too much time with the boys, she decides. It's making her go crazy. For a few weeks she holes up in her room, doing homework or looking at magazines with the girls, and only leaving for meals and classes. Still, sometimes she'll walk through a hall and see Sirius talking to one or two or even three girls, giving them that same smirk that he gives her, and her stomach will twist a little.

She goes on with this for a little bit until finally Marlene gets tired of it. "We're going to the Quidditch game today," she announces one Sunday morning.

Lily looks up in alarm. "What? No! I've got a two foot parchment I've got to write for Potions; I really can't today. You three go on ahead. I'll try to catch up with you if I can."

"Lily, you've skipped the last game, too," Mary wheedles. "Besides, one of the Beaters is in the hospital wing with the flu, so Sirius might actually get some play time today."

"Two feet," Lily reminds them. "I haven't even _started_ yet."

"Lily," Alice says quietly. "We miss you. Come out with us."

Her stomach twists. She realizes now that in her effort to avoid Sirius, she had sacrificed her other friendships. "Okay," she allows. " _Fine_. Let me go put on a jumper; it's freezing out there."

When they walk out to the stands, it's snowing. Bad weather for Quidditch, though Sirius looks positively elated. She thinks he turns to look at her, and their eyes might meet, but she looks away before he can acknowledge her. "Let's go find some seats," she says briskly to the others.

Alice raises an eyebrow at her sudden eagerness, but shrugs anyways. "Sure—I think I see Remus and Peter over there."

Lily ends up sitting on the edge, next to Peter. "Hello, Peter," she says pleasantly.

"Hi Lily," he says a little bit nervously. He's always been a little twitchy around her, around girls in general, and so she sighs and resigns herself to a game filled with little conversation. Still, though, she does love Quidditch. She was never a good player herself, but the game was exciting all the same.

And the boys, of course. There's something to be said about a boy in a well-fitting Quidditch uniform. She tries to avoid noticing how well Sirius's jersey emphasizes the lean tallness of his body and fails spectacularly.

The game starts off slow, with both Keepers blocking a few shots each. Sirius is in the middle of the action, zooming from one end to the other with a huge grin on his face. Lily has to admit that he is a very good Quidditch player. The Bludger seems to go exactly where he wants it, no matter the angle or speed he hits it.

Gryffindor scores a few goals, interspersed with some of the same from Ravenclaw. Lily peeks at the bench and sees James sitting there glumly. Even from fifty feet away she can see the pout in his features, and fights off a smile.

The Gryffindor Seeker, a boy by the name of Marcus Wilson, circles the pitch from up above. He is closely followed by the Ravenclaw Seeker as well. "So that's how they're going to play it," Lily comments offhandedly.

"Hm?" Peter says, his eyes on Sirius still.

Lily looks over at Remus, and he gives her a small smile. "Looks like the Ravenclaw Seeker doesn't want to find the Snitch on her own," he says, clearly taking pity on her lack of conversational opportunities. "Hope Wilson flies fast."

He does, in the end, fly very fast indeed, catching the Snitch with the Ravenclaw Seeker right on his tail. The team lands; Sirius looks jubilant.

"Let's go down," Marlene shouts breathlessly. "Congratulate them."

"Wait—" Lily says, but Remus takes ahold of her and quickly drags her down with the rest of them. On the field, the six of them collect around Sirius and James.

"How was it?" James asks enviously.

Sirius shakes his head, laughing. "Incredible, mate," he says, his eyes shining. "Just...wow."

James frowns. "Too bad Wilson caught the Snitch," he says, and then catches himself. "I mean, it's good that he caught the Snitch. But that probably means I'm not getting any playtime next match." Lily can clearly hear the whine in his tone, and hides a smile.

"Next year," Sirius promises, and they troop in with the rest of the Gryffindors to celebrate their win.

* * *

"Did you hear?"

Lily blearily raises her head from the Charms textbook. "What?"

Mary looks at her impatiently. "James has a girlfriend," she says.

"James, as in James Potter?" Lily asks, a bit incredulously. "Who?"

"A Hufflepuff girl. Frank Longbottom's twin."

"Huh," Lily says in surprise. "I didn't know Frank has a twin."

"Yeah, well, she looks exactly like Frank but in girl-version," Mary says, laughing. "Wonder why James went for her. In fact, I wonder if Frank's mad that his mate's going after his sister. You know, they might be fighting right now. Wanna go to the common room and check?"

Lily waves her away. "You go ahead," she murmurs. "I've got a lot of reading to do."

* * *

Although Lily is beginning to become swamped with homework—perhaps taking Ancient Runes was a bad idea—Potions remains her little eye in the midst of the hurricane. Outside of Slughorn absolutely adoring her—he had begun mentioning something called the "Slug Club" as of late—the work is just peaceful.

There is one aspect, though. Gryffindor and Slytherin take Potions together.

Lily knows that Severus is the only one who is better at her than Potions in their class. They would probably automatically be partners even if they weren't best friends. Instead, at the beginning of class, he avoids her eyes and immediately sits by Mulciber.

Lily can't say it doesn't sting when they're next to each other, measuring out ingredients in the closet, and he won't even meet her eyes. She tries to understand, she really does. But blood status remains something still incomprehensible to her. It wasn't like racism, not exactly. There was no difference in appearance that factored in; you could pretend to be pureblooded in a way you couldn't pretend to be a different race. It was more like social elitism, except that she had never read any news headlines before about wanting to completely wipe out the poor people in London.

(She can't even pick up a Prophet these days without seeing some headline or another about another four Muggleborns killed. She feels so far away from it at Hogwarts, but soon she will be graduated. She doesn't know what this means for her.)

She tries to understand that Slytherin is just unaccepting of some things. A half-blood is distasteful but still socially acceptable, maybe not for marriage, but if you wanted to have a fling with a half-blood, if you wanted to study with a half-blood, you could.

A Muggleborn is another story. And she tries to understand that.

She has never been very good at pushing things down, and this is no exception. She just wonders how long it'll be until things come to a head.

* * *

"Lily," Sirius calls from across the hall.

Lily freezes. It's definitely too late to pretend she didn't hear him, but she still considers the idea all the same. Then she sighs and turns around. "Hello, Sirius."

He jogs a little to catch up with her, smiling brilliantly. "I haven't seen you in years! Where have you been?"

She lifts one shoulder. "I've been caught up with a lot of things," she lies. "Homework and all that, you know."

He frowns at her. "That's rubbish. James is taking the same classes as you, and he doesn't spend half the amount of time as you do on work." She bristles, and he backtracks. "I mean, c'mon, you can't spend your whole life studying. Come play exploding snap with Remus and me."

"Sorry, I'd really like to," she says, and she's not even sure if she's lying. "But I promised I'd spend some time with Mary today."

"Well, she can come too," he says, and then immediately stiffens, his eyes fixed on something.

Lily turns, following his line of sight, and realizes it's not something but someone. Or more accurately, Regulus. Lily frowns. Last year Sirius had spoke of Regulus in affectionate tones, if Sirius ever speaks about anything affectionately. She's not sure what's changed since then.

"Well, look at that," Regulus says, sneering, and Lily marvels at how he sounds like Sirius. How he looks like Sirius. They could be twins, except for the pure spite and meanness that oozes from his words. "A blood-traitor and a Mudblood. How utterly unsurprising."

The two boys walking with him laugh as they walk by. "Why, Black, if _my_ brother were like that, my mum would've burned him off the family tree already," one of them says.

Regulus smiles. "Don't worry," he says. "My mother has already begun speaking to me of my duties as the heir of the House of Black. It's only a matter of time."

They turn a corner and disappear, and Lily turns to look at Sirius. He looks...defeated, and wildly different from the mercurial Sirius that she knows, the one that would hex first and ask later. In fact, he had said nothing to defend himself the entire time, hadn't raised his wand at all.

"Sirius," she says, forgetting for one moment about her little crush. She puts a hand on his arm tentatively. "Are you alright?"

Sirius laughs humorlessly. "It's fine," he says, his voice as cold as she's ever heard it. "Let's go back to the dorm."

* * *

She's walking to Charms when it happens. She rounds a corner and Severus is there, and she lifts a hand to wave, but realizes something is very off about him. He's not moving, despite the awkward position he's in, and that's when Lily sees James and Sirius, wands pointed at Severus. James opens his mouth to say something, and Lily doesn't even think; she just acts. " _Furunculus_ ," she shouts, and little red pimples begin sprouting on James's previously clear face. He lets out an expletive and touches his face gingerly. Sirius turns to look at her, astonished, but she pushes him aside and performs the countercurse on Severus. He almost topples over but quickly regains his balance, glaring at the three of them. "Sev, are you—"

"Leave me alone!" he snaps, backing away like a cornered cat in an alley, hackles raised. "I don't need your help!"

Lily watches him go, something like frustration and pity boiling inside of her. "You two!" Lily shouts, turning her anger on James and Sirius. "You two are the most immature, despicable, bullying people I have ever met. Two-on-one seems like a fair fight to you, right? In the halls, no less! Breaking school rules—could have had points taken— _bullying_!"

"Lily—" Sirius begins, but Lily whirls on him.

"Do _not_ start," she warns. "I don't want to hear your excuses."

The people around them begin to murmur, and Lily realizes they have attracted quite a crowd. She gives them one last disgusted look before turning around and heading back to her class.

* * *

"Lily," Marlene says. "James broke up with his girlfriend."

"Great," Lily says flatly.

"Rumor has it it's for _you_."

Lily looks up at that. "For me?" she says incredulously. "Why?"

"Well," Marlene says, positively brimming with pleasure at being the one to deliver the gossip, "I heard from Frank who heard from Peter who heard from Sirius that in the hospital, James was positively dreamy-eyed over you. Wasn't even mad that you jinxed him. He kept talking about how smart and good at magic you were, and how pretty your hair was."

Lily's mouth falls open almost comically. "Did I hit him with a Confundus while I was at it?"

"Do you even know how to do a Confundus?" Marlene asks suspiciously.

"No," Lily admits. "Not yet. But I will soon. Anyways," she says, picking up her books, "James is an arrogant tosser and I have no interest in him or any of his feelings. He can rot in hell for all I care."

Marlene shakes her head in mock disappointment. "You know any girl would die to be in your place, right?" she asks. Lily doesn't even deign to answer that.

* * *

There is _no way_ any girl would die to be in her place. Or maybe they would have to. Because this is definitely hell.

Not only is James obnoxious, arrogant, and a huge prat, he also has no idea how to take a hint. In fact, Lily's not even hinting. She's flat-out rejecting, and he doesn't seem to understand.

"You know," Remus says wryly, "I think the more you curse him, the more determined he gets." Today's proposal had been in the form of twelve doves that sang a terribly written poem about how pretty her eyes were. Lily has to admit, she was a _tiny bit impressed_ by his spellwork. That hadn't stopped her from flinging a Stinging Hex at his hopeful face, though.

Lily sighs in frustration. "I don't know what to do," she says irritatedly. "He doesn't take no for an answer, he likes it when I curse him...What can I do to get him off my case?"

Remus shrugs. "Not my problem," he says mildly. "Thank Merlin."

Lily shoves him. "You're the worst friend ever," she accuses, but there's a smile on her face as she says so.

* * *

As time goes by, James's proposals still don't let up, but they start to fade into the monotony of every day. Soon she doesn't even blink when her Potions textbook spells out "LILY, GO OUT WITH ME?" or when he performs a terrible, terrible ballad in the common room. (Finally, Lily finds something that he's _not_ good at.) Sirius, on the other hand, poses another problem.

Since the incident, she had refused to speak to Sirius and had gone out of her way to avoid him. And it had worked—until now.

He corners her after Potions class one day. "Lily, just hear me out for one second, okay?" he asks, clearly reading the stubborn expression on her face.

She scowls, but although she has no problem avoiding Sirius, rejecting him flat-out to his face is something else. "Fine," she says. "You get _one minute_ , and I'm actually going to count the seconds."

"I'm really sorry," he blurts out. "For what I did, I mean. I know that it was mean. But it's reciprocated, you know that, right? It's not like Snape isn't giving as good as he got. It's petty, maybe, but it's not...It's _equal_ , still. A fair fight."

"He's my best friend," she says slowly. "I don't know if I can be friends with someone who tries to curse my best friend."

"Your best friend?" he says impatiently. "He doesn't even blink when his friends call you M— _that word_ , doesn't acknowledge you in the halls, doesn't even _look_ at you to save face in front of your friends."

Lily clenches her fists. "Well," she says tightly. "If that's all, then—"

"No—stop—" Sirius says, grabbing her wrist. "I'm sorry. I didn't drag you out here to talk to you about that, even though you know I'm right." She opens her mouth to argue, but he cuts her off. "You know I'm right, Lily. Anyways. I just wanted to say sorry. I really miss you, Lily, and I miss our friendship. I feel like you've been avoiding me, even before all that happened." He looks at her, and his eyes are big and wide.

She sighs. "I'm sorry, too," she says. "I just...Things have been crazy lately. But I'll be better now. I won't have as much work." She had missed their friendship, too; even with the awkwardness that permeated their relationship with her revelation, it still felt like something was _missing_ from her life without him.

"So hang out with me this weekend," he says.

She frowns. "This weekend? Like in the common room?"

He flashes her an ear-to-ear grin. "No. Hogsmeade."

"But second-years aren't allowed in Hogsmeade," she says confusedly.

"I know," he says, still grinning. "Don't worry about it. Just meet me at two in the common room, okay? I've got to go back and meet Remus now." He gives her a thumbs up and jogs away before she can say anything else.

* * *

"Well?" she says when she sees him in the common room. "How are you going to manage this one, Black?"

"Oh, so I'm Black again, now, am I?" he says as he leads her out the common room and through the halls.

She grins as they fall easily back into the same patterns. "You're Black for now until you make good on your word. I'm expecting a Hogsmeade trip, and you best not disappoint.

"Don't worry," he says assuredly. "I never disappoint." They're standing outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, in front of a statue of a...witch with one eye?

"What's this?" she asks suspiciously, but he doesn't answer. He pulls out his wand and taps the hump and hisses a word, and then the hump _opens up_. "What in Merlin?"

"It's safe," he promises. "I've been down here loads. C'mon." He slides down the passageway, and after a few seconds of indecision, Lily follows him warily.

"If this doesn't lead to Hogsmeade," she says warningly.

"I would never lie to you, Lily," he says, and she can hear the grin in his voice. She shakes his head. "Just a bit longer...Okay! Here we are."

The passage opens up to reveal a door, which Sirius and Lily pass through to enter a...cellar? Around them stacked high are a bunch of boxes.

"We're in the cellar of Honeydukes," he says. "The candy shop. Here. Come over here." He pulls a wispy material of some sort out of his pocket. Lily stares at it curiously. It almost could blend in with the surroundings, except there's a certain strange wavering quality about it that attracts the eye. She can't quite tell what it is. He opens it up and drapes it over the two of them. "Come closer," he mutters, and pulls her in. They're pressed skin to skin underneath the strange blanket of some sort, and her heart begins to race. Sirius doesn't even seem fazed by the proximity. "It's an Invisibility Cloak," he whispers excitedly. "No one can see us if we're under this."

"Where the hell did you get an Invisibility Cloak?" she asks incredulously.

He shrugs. "It's James's. Think he got it from his dad or something." He grabs her hand and begins to lead them out into the actual store of Honeydukes, and she stops, amazed.

The store is crowded with tens of other students, students that she recognizes from the halls of Hogwarts. Boys and girls alike are crowded around the candies in every shape and color imaginable.

"Here," Sirius says, pulling her over to a display. He darts his eyes around, and then quickly grabs one of the candies. "Sugar quill. Try some."

Lily gingerly sticks it in her mouth. "Huh. This is actually pretty good," she says, pleasantly surprised.

"Told ya," Sirius says, smiling at her. "I know all the good candies. C'mon."

In the end they have a hoard of almost all the different candies, Chocolate Frogs, Fizzing Whizzbees, Ice Mice, and Pumpkin Pasties just making up a few. Sirius loads them both down with their cargo, which Sirius says he promised to bring to the boys.

When they arrive back at the school, Sirius folds the cloak up and puts it into a pocket, and they make their way back to the common room where James is lounging about on a couch. Upon seeing Sirius, his eyes light up, but narrow and become suspicious when he sees Lily in tow, too. "What's this?" James asks distrustfully.

"We come bearing sweets, as promised," Sirius sing-songs, but James's eyes just narrow even more, this time with anger.

"You went to Hogsmeade with _her_?" James accuses.

"Uh, yeah, mate, that's what I told you," Sirius says confusedly.

"You said you were going to Hogsmeade with a girl! Not _her_ ," James bellows. "I thought—you're my best mate—the _bro code_ , you know—"

"Calm the hell down, Potter," she says, rolling her eyes. "Not that it's any of your business, but it wasn't a date."

Sirius now turns to look at her. "Not a date?" he asks, clutching his chest in mock agony, and he's joking, Lily knows he's joking, but she feels like she can sense a...layer of hurt underneath?

Wait. Had she totally misjudged this situation—

James is still huffy, and he sputters a little bit longer, his face red, but it seems his worries have been relieved. In the commotion, Lily heads back to her room to ponder the information she has just discovered.

* * *

James just gets even worse after the incident in the common room, now broadening his scope to include loud, attention-attracting proposals from the entire school. Some girls in James's little fan club have taken to glaring at her in the halls, and she doesn't know how to say _Just take him! I don't want him!_

Sirius is still the same teasing, flirtatious boy he'd always been, but sometimes she'll catch him looking at her intensely, as if she's a—it seems almost weird to voice the thought—a _problem_ to be dealt with. As soon as they make eye contact, he'll crack a joke, but still. She has an inkling of a suspicion of what's going on, but she dismisses it quickly. It's _Sirius_. He doesn't have feelings.

The end of the year can't come too soon. On the train, she and Remus are content to sit quietly while the rest boisterously discuss their summer plans. Sirius insists that his parents will welcome him home with ropes of pearls and sparkling jewels, and champagne, no less. Everyone laughs, but Lily meets his eyes and his gaze drops.

Alice invites her to spend a few weeks in the summer with her family, and Lily happily accepts, with the caveat that she'll still have to get her parents' permission first. Still, though, she thinks it'll be fun to get away from her house for awhile.

Her thoughts turn to Petunia, and she stares gloomily out the window the rest of the way home, already dreading the summer. Sometimes she wishes she could just stay at Hogwarts forever, and never go home.

* * *

Great big thanks to codenamemarauder for making me realize that eleven-year-olds don't talk like that...I have revised some of the dialogue from last chapter, so hopefully it's a tad more believable now. Honestly I don't really remember or know what eleven-year-olds do actually speak like, so I hope this suffices. And thank you to everyone who reviewed/followed/favorited.

Exam season is upon me, so it might take me a bit longer to get the next couple of chapters up, but my inspiration is still going strong so I've been working on this story despite it being so detrimental to my studies and not a good use of time at all.

As always, my tumblr is cxrmacmclaggen, and if you have any criticism or ways I could improve, I would love to hear it.


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